It is a marvelous and terrifying thing to suddenly drop all that you have been holding on to for a long time. The longer and tighter you hold to people and things, the more difficult it becomes to let them go and the more rigid you become. It takes courage to move forward when you must leave all that is safe and familiar, even when "safe and familiar" means pain. What I mean by that is, there is a pain that is a part of constancy. I have a new "home" now, at least my family is not in my beautiful Wyoming anymore. When I leave Rexburg, Idaho at the end of July I will go south to the desert, to St. George, Utah. And hopefully I will have a job that lasts me 'till January. When January comes, I'll be ready to serve my mission. All of these changes, in location and in conviction as to what my life plans are, are frightening yet all the same a thrill. I can do anything with my life, but to know for certain what to do feels safe in a different way than it does to stay the same. I also am hopeful and excited for my brother who turns 19 in December and will be free to go on a mission the same time that I do. I love to know that the Lord will provide a way for those who endeavor to do His will and especially to be able to find comfort in knowing that He surely will help my brother and I heaps as we seek to serve Him.
A few weeks past, I was pondering intently as I wrote in my journal. I was writing down what I want in my life and suddenly I knew that a mission is where I am going. It was powerful because even though I have always known that I want to go on a mission, I had never received a manifestation from the Spirit that it is absolutely where I need to go. It gave me hope and direction and I began to think about what I must do to go. It changed how I interact with people and how I consciously feel about them and as well I became more motivated to do what is required of me right now in my life: I can't quite accomplish much when I don't know why I'm trying to accomplish anything in the first place but once I find my motivation, I am unstoppable. Since then, I have seen more of heaven than I ever have. I'm alone but never lonely, I am free and no one knows it and I don't mind in the least. I even carry a deep hurt inside but it doesn't weigh me down.
I also had a revelatory experience that answered all of the pressing questions that have burdened me for so long and I just feel peace, even with all the things that are so distressing to me, and I really am happier than I have ever been. Just keep asking and the answers will come.
No comments:
Post a Comment