It is a marvelous and terrifying thing to suddenly drop all that you have been holding on to for a long time. The longer and tighter you hold to people and things, the more difficult it becomes to let them go and the more rigid you become. It takes courage to move forward when you must leave all that is safe and familiar, even when "safe and familiar" means pain. What I mean by that is, there is a pain that is a part of constancy. I have a new "home" now, at least my family is not in my beautiful Wyoming anymore. When I leave Rexburg, Idaho at the end of July I will go south to the desert, to St. George, Utah. And hopefully I will have a job that lasts me 'till January. When January comes, I'll be ready to serve my mission. All of these changes, in location and in conviction as to what my life plans are, are frightening yet all the same a thrill. I can do anything with my life, but to know for certain what to do feels safe in a different way than it does to stay the same. I also am hopeful and excited for my brother who turns 19 in December and will be free to go on a mission the same time that I do. I love to know that the Lord will provide a way for those who endeavor to do His will and especially to be able to find comfort in knowing that He surely will help my brother and I heaps as we seek to serve Him.
A few weeks past, I was pondering intently as I wrote in my journal. I was writing down what I want in my life and suddenly I knew that a mission is where I am going. It was powerful because even though I have always known that I want to go on a mission, I had never received a manifestation from the Spirit that it is absolutely where I need to go. It gave me hope and direction and I began to think about what I must do to go. It changed how I interact with people and how I consciously feel about them and as well I became more motivated to do what is required of me right now in my life: I can't quite accomplish much when I don't know why I'm trying to accomplish anything in the first place but once I find my motivation, I am unstoppable. Since then, I have seen more of heaven than I ever have. I'm alone but never lonely, I am free and no one knows it and I don't mind in the least. I even carry a deep hurt inside but it doesn't weigh me down.
I also had a revelatory experience that answered all of the pressing questions that have burdened me for so long and I just feel peace, even with all the things that are so distressing to me, and I really am happier than I have ever been. Just keep asking and the answers will come.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
"Help Is Round The Corner"
Heartache is a hard ache. It weighs heavily within for a long time and makes it bitterly hard to forgive. But when you let it have you and you focus on how you feel and how you're really doing -without regard for other intruding thoughts and people- you free yourself. When you stop spreading yourself thin, discontinue the meaningless and fruitless efforts to change the way another person sees you and just fall into the comfortableness of loving who you truly are, then you forget why you wanted to worry and jump about so much before. The people who really care will stick with you. They will hold on and explain things to you and strive to retain your trust. They will tell you what worries them, what they want, what they hope for and the trust you share with them will fill in all the empty places; it will make it so that even when you're saying nothing at all you feel at ease in their company.
Those are the people who matter. Those are the people who need your focus. So much energy is wasted on worrying about the people who oppress and hurt us, the people who we try to impress, the people who we think we need to be acquainted with. It is important to love and be kind to all people, but it does us no good to throw a lot of effort into making something work with those certain souls who we just don't fit with. If something is right, it will flow. Even if it's hard, it will still flow to a certain degree.
Those are the people who matter. Those are the people who need your focus. So much energy is wasted on worrying about the people who oppress and hurt us, the people who we try to impress, the people who we think we need to be acquainted with. It is important to love and be kind to all people, but it does us no good to throw a lot of effort into making something work with those certain souls who we just don't fit with. If something is right, it will flow. Even if it's hard, it will still flow to a certain degree.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Mountain Biking
Today was my first time mountain biking and I loved it bunches! The first climb was a monster, though. It wasn't really steep but it was a lot of work. As we were going up, I was wondering at those in front of me-including Brother Wood- who were pedaling a lot more than I was. For every couple rotations they were pedaling, I was doing one and by the time we came to a fence and had to get off of our bikes to go through, I was entirely hot and nauseous and had to sit down for a minute. I really wanted to throw up but I just couldn't. After Brother Wood had closed the gate, I asked him to check the gear that my bike was in and he said it had been in the highest and most difficult gear and wondered how I ever made it up that far! I wondered, too. So he put it in a lower gear and oh it was amazing, though I was still getting a good workout. At the top, I had to sit down and was fighting the urge to throw up while at the same time hoping that I would. I wanted to go with the rest of them down the next descent but after that was another climb and as stubborn as I usually am, I knew that I needed to rest my body (I really don't think that I have ever pushed it so hard; oh I am grateful for a good, strong healthy body.) So another girl, Caitlyn and I went up a pretty level trail that met up with the one that the rest of the group would be coming up. On top of feeling somewhat ill (curiously, I didn't feel so ill while riding, only when standing) my bike seat was quite uncomfortable (who made those anyway?)
When the group caught up to us, Brother Sargeant (he's a chemistry teacher but he comes on the trips because he enjoys it so much) asked if I'd thrown up yet and we laughed. After that, the trail was mostly level and then we came to some steep downhill rides. I can't describe how terrifying it was, I honestly believe that I could have crashed and injured myself bad more than a few times. The hardest thing was dodging roots, branches, rocks and ruts without moving the bike too suddenly. More than once, I came upon a rock or root so suddenly that I knew I couldn't avoid hitting it and just held my breath with the hope that I would keep steady and land safely. There were a few small, steep climbs after that -mostly the trail had a rolling motion- and the area was so beautiful. There were cows mozeying around and at one point I rode through a little something they left on the trail. At first I wondered what had just splattered on my glasses but then I realized and just laughed because I hadn't even seen it in the trail and I for sure would have avoided it if I had been paying better attention. I was behind everyone and when I met up with them, they too were somewhat splattered and slightly disgusted but we all just smiled and dealt with it. We all headed for the van then and I ended up a ways behind them (not because I am slow but rather I think that I was enjoying myself too much.) At one point, I realized that I didn't know where they had gone to and I remembered Brother Wood mentioning before we started for us to remember where the road turned off (where we had left the van.) So I turned around, not sure how much farther I had gone. I really didn't want to go too far in any direction, so I paused knelt down off to the side of the road... This was a neat experience because I wasn't frustrated and I knew that it wasn't a terrible mistake that I had made (usually I have a tendency to become really irked at my knack for always getting lost and inconveniencing myself and other people.) I also for some reason knew that no one would be too worried or frustrated but would go about finding me in the right way. I actually had saved Brother Wood's number in my phone and there was reception but the number was wrong so that didn't work. So I said a short prayer and just as I stood up, they were coming down the road. It is the nicest thing to pray for simple things knowing that they will come and then see them fulfilled. If I had continued up the road after I had realized my mistake and turned around, I would have made it to where they were and that was what I was doing. But that little assurance that comes with prayer made me all the more confident. Confidence can make all the difference when making decisions: the more confident you are about something, even if you feel drawn towards doubt, the more likely your decision will be a good one.
I loved today. I love what mountain biking teaches me. I am excited for the opportunity to push myself and practice my ability to keep moving forward no matter how hard the trail becomes.
When the group caught up to us, Brother Sargeant (he's a chemistry teacher but he comes on the trips because he enjoys it so much) asked if I'd thrown up yet and we laughed. After that, the trail was mostly level and then we came to some steep downhill rides. I can't describe how terrifying it was, I honestly believe that I could have crashed and injured myself bad more than a few times. The hardest thing was dodging roots, branches, rocks and ruts without moving the bike too suddenly. More than once, I came upon a rock or root so suddenly that I knew I couldn't avoid hitting it and just held my breath with the hope that I would keep steady and land safely. There were a few small, steep climbs after that -mostly the trail had a rolling motion- and the area was so beautiful. There were cows mozeying around and at one point I rode through a little something they left on the trail. At first I wondered what had just splattered on my glasses but then I realized and just laughed because I hadn't even seen it in the trail and I for sure would have avoided it if I had been paying better attention. I was behind everyone and when I met up with them, they too were somewhat splattered and slightly disgusted but we all just smiled and dealt with it. We all headed for the van then and I ended up a ways behind them (not because I am slow but rather I think that I was enjoying myself too much.) At one point, I realized that I didn't know where they had gone to and I remembered Brother Wood mentioning before we started for us to remember where the road turned off (where we had left the van.) So I turned around, not sure how much farther I had gone. I really didn't want to go too far in any direction, so I paused knelt down off to the side of the road... This was a neat experience because I wasn't frustrated and I knew that it wasn't a terrible mistake that I had made (usually I have a tendency to become really irked at my knack for always getting lost and inconveniencing myself and other people.) I also for some reason knew that no one would be too worried or frustrated but would go about finding me in the right way. I actually had saved Brother Wood's number in my phone and there was reception but the number was wrong so that didn't work. So I said a short prayer and just as I stood up, they were coming down the road. It is the nicest thing to pray for simple things knowing that they will come and then see them fulfilled. If I had continued up the road after I had realized my mistake and turned around, I would have made it to where they were and that was what I was doing. But that little assurance that comes with prayer made me all the more confident. Confidence can make all the difference when making decisions: the more confident you are about something, even if you feel drawn towards doubt, the more likely your decision will be a good one.
I loved today. I love what mountain biking teaches me. I am excited for the opportunity to push myself and practice my ability to keep moving forward no matter how hard the trail becomes.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Ahhhhh, what a life I live
Well, stress has been my close companion lately. I most certainly do not bear the same load that many others do but my trials are hard enough for me; I'm sure most people wouldn't want to endure what I do. It's amazing how things a person cannot see can weigh so heavily on them!
My family moved out of Sheridan, Wyoming last week after my dad was "let go" by his employer of 5 years. And now they're off to St. George, Utah, my dad taking up a new job there! I'm grateful for all of the help that came from loving members of our ward in the moving process and I am glad for the Lord's hand in our lives. Here is a list of our blessings in connection to this huge change (and like Ammon, I'm not boasting of myself but rather acknowledging our need for the help of a loving Heavenly Father and His manifested involvement in our lives):
*My dad was let go instead of being fired or quitting so he received compensation.
*He found and applied for this new job within the week he lost his job. The lady got back to him within the hour he applied and liked him from the start, offering to fly him down to St. George to interview and show him the ropes and see if he really was what she's looking for.
*My brother and sister finished the school year within the week they moved.
*THERE'S A TEMPLE IN ST. GEORGE AND IT WILL BE THE CLOSEST WE HAVE EVER LIVED TO A TEMPLE!
*My dad -who loves people, loves horses and knows a ton about a lot of things (honestly, I can ask him about almost anything and he whips out a whole armory of facts he retains in his vast memory)- will get to use his greatest strengths in this job and he'll be able to spend more time with my family.
*We have extended family in St. George.
*We will be closer to our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (within 4 hours) than we ever have been.
*There are so many opportunities and places to go in that area that we haven't had available in any of the places we have lived before. We will be "secluded" but at the same time surrounded by a lot of culture and beauty!
By the way, my dad's new job will be taking people on horseback trail rides through Snow Canyon and taking care of the horses. Way cool!
Oh, I am happy for my family and cannot wait to see them in their new home!
On a dimmer note, I am sad about saying goodbye to everyone in Sheridan and to the area itself. I know that place so well and learned so much from the people and hard experiences that I had there. I grew and especially suffered a lot, but just like with every place we have moved from, I learned to love it. Every time I think of my family, I picture them being there. I don't think it will sink in until I actually go to where they are now. But change is good, it builds us and makes us better able to handle a variety of situations with wisdom. Life is amazing.
My family moved out of Sheridan, Wyoming last week after my dad was "let go" by his employer of 5 years. And now they're off to St. George, Utah, my dad taking up a new job there! I'm grateful for all of the help that came from loving members of our ward in the moving process and I am glad for the Lord's hand in our lives. Here is a list of our blessings in connection to this huge change (and like Ammon, I'm not boasting of myself but rather acknowledging our need for the help of a loving Heavenly Father and His manifested involvement in our lives):
*My dad was let go instead of being fired or quitting so he received compensation.
*He found and applied for this new job within the week he lost his job. The lady got back to him within the hour he applied and liked him from the start, offering to fly him down to St. George to interview and show him the ropes and see if he really was what she's looking for.
*My brother and sister finished the school year within the week they moved.
*THERE'S A TEMPLE IN ST. GEORGE AND IT WILL BE THE CLOSEST WE HAVE EVER LIVED TO A TEMPLE!
*My dad -who loves people, loves horses and knows a ton about a lot of things (honestly, I can ask him about almost anything and he whips out a whole armory of facts he retains in his vast memory)- will get to use his greatest strengths in this job and he'll be able to spend more time with my family.
*We have extended family in St. George.
*We will be closer to our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (within 4 hours) than we ever have been.
*There are so many opportunities and places to go in that area that we haven't had available in any of the places we have lived before. We will be "secluded" but at the same time surrounded by a lot of culture and beauty!
By the way, my dad's new job will be taking people on horseback trail rides through Snow Canyon and taking care of the horses. Way cool!
Oh, I am happy for my family and cannot wait to see them in their new home!
On a dimmer note, I am sad about saying goodbye to everyone in Sheridan and to the area itself. I know that place so well and learned so much from the people and hard experiences that I had there. I grew and especially suffered a lot, but just like with every place we have moved from, I learned to love it. Every time I think of my family, I picture them being there. I don't think it will sink in until I actually go to where they are now. But change is good, it builds us and makes us better able to handle a variety of situations with wisdom. Life is amazing.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
This is the beginning again
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